Bethesda Bonfire2021-05-28T13:28:28+00:00

Sauna and massage now included in tunnel design for Capital Crescent Trail

While actual development and progress on the Purple Line and Capital Crescent Trail might be stuck in purgatory, plans for the trail’s northern entrance (where is that again?) are starting to come together with plentiful bike storage and other much desired amenities. The planned changing room and shower facility is expected to provide nice respite for weary travellers along the trail, and Kiehl’s samples will be provided courtesy of Blue Mercury on Bethesda Row.

The plans don’t stop there, as the The Maryland Department of Transportation (MDOT) has committed an $2m to upgrade the planned bathroom into a full blown sauna and steam room. MDOT representative Barry Wheeler explained, “Costs have already escalated 3-fold. What’s a a bit more?”

Civic activist Rick Cumbent was excited, “After a long ride on the trail on my $4,000 Specialized bicycle to attend the planning board work session, I deserve a good shower, steam, and deep tissue massage to relax and center myself.“

The county has put out an RFP for onsite yoga studios and massage parlors to calm riders and Purple Line protestors alike. “Admittedly, the residents really deserve this amenity after putting up with neverending construction and a compromised trail,” explained County spokesperson Coris Ponder. “Hopefully the excellent hands of Heidi and Bruno will help relieve the stress of years and years of fighting and waiting.”

Vending machines serving San Pellegrino and pistachio flavored macaroons will be available on site and accept only $100 bills. No change will be given as the balance will be taken up in collection to help pay in part for the Purple Line cost overruns.

The bike storage with lift assist will be covered and protected from rain with cantilevered glass canopies embedded with specialized LED lighting serving to better showcase fancy bikes.

A planned safe crossing for zebras was nixed at the last minute given the somber news that one of the three escaped zebras was found perished. Ponder explained, “That’s 33.333% of our planned users so it doesn’t make fiscal sense to build it with such low predicted usage numbers.”

Despite anticipated 50% lower human ridership, the collaborative Purple Line mass transit project continues undeterred.

By |October 14th, 2021|

Streets 2 Streams program brings waterfront property (and increased tax revenue) to the CBD

The County exhibited their agile leadership today in revealing a new “Streets 2 Streams” program aimed to transform downtown Bethesda into a “world class waterfront destination.”

“We see the success that The Wharf and Old Town Alexandria have and think about how all our critics always complain why can’t we be more like DC and NoVa?! Well today we are proud to announce the successful launch of our innovative and original Bethesda Waterfront initiative.”

The recent bouts of storms and rain have brought water levels to precipitous heights around the county. It’s been particularly noticeable in downtown Bethesda where the streets have literally become flooded and impassable by foot. Turns out all the resident complaints about flooding were not falling on deaf ears.

County spokesperson Coris Ponder displayed a series of charts and graphs showing how waterfront property traditionally brings in a higher level of revenue.

Ponder excitedly explained that the idea came “straight out from [the 1978 movie] Superman” where Lex Luthor attempted to drop California into the ocean and make his own desert land into new waterfront property. “But we’re not the bad guy here, of course.”

“We didn’t have the funds or means to improve our storm water management system anyway, and figured this is a perfect solution to our ever-rising (water) problems. We’re just beginning to turn on the faucet for more tax revenue to help improve obviously vital programs like our storm water management system.”

By |September 16th, 2021|

Anti-vaxxers attack Bark Social’s free doggy vaccination clinic

While COVID-19 continues to ravage through the free states, the annual canine vaccine push has come to the forefront of American politics. The upcoming Bordetella vaccine clinic from popular Pike & Rose dog park bar Bark Social has been particularly targeted with protests and nasty online comments, coming under fire from anti-vaxxers and maskholes for its free efforts to preserve the safety of dogs in the midst of a global pandemic.

Bordatella, commonly referred to as kennel cough, is a highly contagious respiratory disease and recommended by the American Kennel Club and probably Dr. Fauci.

Bordetella bronchiseptica causes inflammation of your dog’s upper respiratory system. This inflammation leads to coughing and illness and can expose your dog to secondary infections. However, you probably won’t hear anybody telling you that your dog has Bordetella bronchiseptica. Instead, most veterinarians and canine professionals call the disease kennel cough, which can lead to some confusion about what the Bordetella vaccine is for.

Bark Social’s Bordetella vaccine clinic is scheduled for today, Wednesday, September 1, from 4:30pm to 7:00pm. Shots are free for annual members and $10 for monthly members. Dr. Bush from Bush Veterinary Neurology will be administering the vaccine. In advance of those questioning the science, Bark Social posted a comprehensive resume for Dr. Bush:

“Dr. Bush was an English major at College of the Holy Cross and a naval officer prior to graduating near the top of his class at the University of Pennsylvania Veterinary School. He then completed a rotating internship in medicine and surgery at NC State University. Dr. Bush then returned to the University of Pennsylvania for a residency in Neurology and Neurosurgery where he earned research and teaching awards. After finishing his residency, he settled into the DC Metro area and practiced locally until launching Bush Veterinary Neurology Service in 2005.”

Those who did their own research immediately dismissed Bush’s impressive credentials, citing “Vets need to stay in their own lane and leave the science to real YouTube vets.” Freedom fighter, devout Christian (on Easter and Christmas services only), and foreign policy / military withdrawal expert Karen proudly waved protest signs outside Bark Social, advocating for freedom of choice for our dogs requiring the Bordetella vaccine. “Dogs can’t speak for themselves, and a mask is just another man’s muzzle. Man’s best friend deserves freedom of choice!” Karen loudly protested the mandatory vaccine while in the background her beloved chihuahua, Sprinkles, was seen curiously sniffing another dog’s poop (the nose touched!) and then peeing on a poor kid’s backpack.

For those with an eye on this afternoon’s wet weather, a Bark Social representative noted that today’s Bordatella Vaccine Drive is rain or shine. They will only cancel in case of thunder and lightning, which 9 out of 10 dogs agree is very very frightening.

By |September 1st, 2021|

Reticent parents (reluctantly) rejoice first day of school with only minor snags reported

While the first day of school has always been stressful, add in a global pandemic and anxiety levels are at an all-time high among parents, children, and educators alike as in-person MCPS school began today. While there has yet to be a recorded instance of COVID-19 today, the day has not gone off without a hitch.

An already stretched thin supply chain reported sporadic problems throughout the day related to the school openings.

Pizza joints were crippled by the high demand, further strained by multiple armed burglaries of pepperoni delivery trucks.

The downtown Bethesda CVS pharmacy posted a note on their front door saying they were out of Xanax. A friendly neighbor tacked on a handwritten note suggesting medical marijuana dispensaries and the phone number of an anonymous sympathetic doctor to obtain prescriptions.

The annual tradition of parents having a glass of wine to celebrate the day hit a brief snag as Total Wine posted a temporary halt on wine sales to adults showing Montgomery County IDs for fear of appearing to promote alcoholism. Montgomery County parents seemed hardly affected as they simply reached into their massive pandemic stash.

Multiple reports of fireworks turned out to simply be the loud whoops and hollers of conflicted parents equally excited for daily peace and quiet while simultaneously stressing about their children being exposed to COVID-19 in an overcrowded school system. Bethesda Elementary School mom Mary Pierce said she’d “get over it” between tokes of pot and sips of Pinot. In the background of her 10am Mom Happy Hour Zoom call, her Roomba rumbled around in the background bounding off dirty laundry and strewn ambitions.

By |August 30th, 2021|

County offers new incentives to improve COVID vaccination rates

In a last-ditch effort to reach the remaining 15.2% of eligible COVID-19 vaccine holdouts, Montgomery County’s Health Department has begun a targeted marketing campaign laden with incentives. Each incentive is designed to target a specific unvaccinated geographic audience.

For downtown Bethesda the Planning Department and developers desperate for retail tenants and new residents to fill their luxury apartments have coordinated to offer one fewer day of sidewalk closures during the next major construction project for each newly vaccinated resident* hailing from the area (*offer good for the first 5 residents).

Recently vaccinated Chevy Chase residents will be featured in the new Montgomery Community Media publication “Jab and Fab: The Magazine for Vaxxed High Society.” Subscriptions will be free for each Chevy Chase resident who receives the vaccine. MyMCM indicated there are no plans to offer subscriptions to the broader unincorporated public.

In addition to those incentives, upon achieving a 90% vaccination rate:

Takoma Park residents will receive an extra County Council seat to further over-represent their interests, though residents questioned the need for measly County representation in light of their recent elevation to statehood.

Wheaton residents will get a promissory note from a developer to build a commercial building instead of residential. The prominent developer who signed the MOU commented, “Definitely, we see ourselves bringing class-A commercial office space to Wheaton sometime soon in the future maybe we’ll see. But we promise we’ll sign this, that’s for sure!” Several prominent developers were seen entering the new M-NCPPC Wheaton headquarters with pockets stuffed with what residents can surely assume is cash, and walking out with empty pockets and smiles. Bethesda Bonfire conducted several man-on-the-street interviews and no one in the County could pronounce M-NCPPC nor knew what the tongue-twisting initials stood for, exactly.

Silver Spring residents will be awarded with a new plaque in recognition that they are officially cooler than Bethesda residents. Just Up The Pike publisher Dan Reed was reportedly chuffed at the news.

Upcounty residents will receive acknowledgement that they exist. An official document signed by all of the At-Large Councilmembers running for re-election and higher office will state that “Upcounty Opinions Matter.” The document will be kept in a locked drawer at the Council offices in Rockville.

North Potomac residents were guaranteed they would receive as much legitimacy as North Bethesda.

Potomac residents asked to opt out of any incentives. One neighborhood representative there added, “Maybe a second bridge to our high-paying jobs in Northern Virginia would be an incentive, but otherwise we’re okay, just leave us alone.”

Travis Gayle, Health Officer & Chief of Public Health Services, Montgomery County, Maryland Department of Health, indicated that if unvaccinated residents didn’t want to follow the science, perhaps it was time to “give them a shot in the arm, or the zip code, so to speak.”

By |August 15th, 2021|

Dead tree sends message to Planning Board Chair Casey Anderson

Montgomery County tree-hugging eco-terrorists “Plants Are People Too” claimed responsibility today for a dead tree placed on the lawn of Planning Department chair Casey Anderson’s Silver Spring home earlier this week.  The endearingly nicknamed “Anderson Assault” incident has been making its way around social media this week, although fans and residents claim the real story is the home color’s assault on boring homes, charmingly and quite fittingly into the character and mood of the Silver Spring neighborhood. “We’re the next Takoma Park!” exclaimed resident Gray Waters.

In a public statement via TikTok, a masked man claiming to be the tree movement’s Branch Manager announced their claim on the scare tactic. “My name is Aldo Rocco and I speak for the trees! It’s a relief to finally get up here and proclaim that clearing trees for homes amounts to treason. Enough homes are enough homes!” Rocco added, “If companies are people and developers have rights, so do trees. You want to talk about people setting up roots?  These trees have lived here for years and years before us. Believe you me this is true – I did my own research!”

The chopped Triple-Branch winning tree was valued at $600,000 when alive, and now $0 dead.  Apparently, the oak tree was chosen specifically to send a message. “Suck on these (acorn) nuts, Mr. Anderson!” exclaimed tree enthusiast Woody Branch, not quite realizing that the fallen tree wasn’t actually an oak tree.  The regularly calm and cool Anderson wasn’t phased, responding, “This is perfect firewood for me and Hans to have a beer over a warm toasty fire and discuss his campaign.”

Animal rights organization PETA claimed co-ownership of the (mis)deed, stating, “If it’s a dumb way to send a misguided message about a meaningful issue, you can bet your butt we’re there!”

@MocoYimby official unofficial spokesperson Michal Plume denounced the attack, stating in a press release printed on paper harvested from the dead tree. He added, “That fallen tree will make great 2×4’s for the next high-density affordable housing project.”

By |July 30th, 2021|
Bethesda Bonfire

We here at the Bethesda Bonfire quite clearly understand that if democracy dies in darkness, why not light it all on fire with the biggest bonfire this side of the DMV!

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