Bethesda Bonfire2021-05-28T13:28:28+00:00

Dead tree sends message to Planning Board Chair Casey Anderson

Montgomery County tree-hugging eco-terrorists “Plants Are People Too” claimed responsibility today for a dead tree placed on the lawn of Planning Department chair Casey Anderson’s Silver Spring home earlier this week.  The endearingly nicknamed “Anderson Assault” incident has been making its way around social media this week, although fans and residents claim the real story is the home color’s assault on boring homes, charmingly and quite fittingly into the character and mood of the Silver Spring neighborhood. “We’re the next Takoma Park!” exclaimed resident Gray Waters.

In a public statement via TikTok, a masked man claiming to be the tree movement’s Branch Manager announced their claim on the scare tactic. “My name is Aldo Rocco and I speak for the trees! It’s a relief to finally get up here and proclaim that clearing trees for homes amounts to treason. Enough homes are enough homes!” Rocco added, “If companies are people and developers have rights, so do trees. You want to talk about people setting up roots?  These trees have lived here for years and years before us. Believe you me this is true – I did my own research!”

The chopped Triple-Branch winning tree was valued at $600,000 when alive, and now $0 dead.  Apparently, the oak tree was chosen specifically to send a message. “Suck on these (acorn) nuts, Mr. Anderson!” exclaimed tree enthusiast Woody Branch, not quite realizing that the fallen tree wasn’t actually an oak tree.  The regularly calm and cool Anderson wasn’t phased, responding, “This is perfect firewood for me and Hans to have a beer over a warm toasty fire and discuss his campaign.”

Animal rights organization PETA claimed co-ownership of the (mis)deed, stating, “If it’s a dumb way to send a misguided message about a meaningful issue, you can bet your butt we’re there!”

@MocoYimby official unofficial spokesperson Michal Plume denounced the attack, stating in a press release printed on paper harvested from the dead tree. He added, “That fallen tree will make great 2×4’s for the next high-density affordable housing project.”

By |July 30th, 2021|

Alcohol in county parks prohibition sparks protests

Park prohibition protests have broken out throughout the County as residents loudly spoke up and against the end of the popular Picnic in the Park program. Thirsty citizens demanded the right to consume alcohol in county parks and were upset at the loss of their freedoms.

Barry Brewski explained, “This is a free county! We demand the right to drink on the merry-go-round and puke in the bushes if we want to. That’s our right!”

County Parks director Mike Riley pushed back, explaining “This is completely up to the state. If it were up to me, we’d all have Cab & Coozies in every park all the time, but we can’t have our Courvoisier and drink it too.”

“Take it up with Hogan,” was the only response from County Executive Marc Elrich’s office.

Protestors held up signs printed with tag lines such as “No Pinot, No Peace!”, “My Solo Cup, My Choice”, and “Defund the Park Police”.

Happy-hour enthusiast Tina Walters, also a mom of two toddlers and a teenager, lamented the loss. “I’ve got a screaming two year old, a three year old who won’t listen to a word I say, and a BCC teen who won’t finish her college applications. I need this. Come on, I really need this. It’s not fair.”

Read the full Montgomery Parks press release here.

By |June 30th, 2021|

Thrive Montgomery 2050 Public Hearing Buzzword Bingo, Tonight at 7pm

Tonight from 7pm to 8:30pm, the Montgomery County Council is holding a public hearing to discuss the Thrive Montgomery 2050 plan to update the county’s General Plan.  Play along with a tasty beverage in hand and have a drink everytime our favorite buzzwords are spoken or displayed on screen. Have fun!

Pick Your Board!

Watch Live on YouTube!

By |June 29th, 2021|

Invasive plant exhibit to open at former White Flint Mall site

After sitting mostly vacant for many years, the former White Flint mall site will finally see some welcome action. Property owner Lerner Enterprises has announced a new exhibit, “Invasive Plants of Maryland,” on the expansive 45-acre site.

The White Flint area has struggled with its identity and redevelopment in recent years, but local residents, officials, and organizations are hoping this announcement will help to activate the area. “We felt like this would be a great placemaking initiative and really take full advantage of this large site, perhaps even more so than the Amazon HQ proposal would have” said a Lerner representative. Local advocacy group Friends of White Flint promoted the announcement on their website and noted “by offering the land for this innovative educational purpose, the community benefits and the property owner qualifies for additional tax credits.”

“People flocked to the outdoors during the pandemic; we expect that trend to continue,” predicted Councilmember Andrew Friedson. Planning Chair Casey Anderson added that “being so close to a Metro station, next to a future BRT stop, and near a planned bike lane will allow visitors easy access to the exhibit.”

Montgomery County Economic Development Corporation (MCEDC) officials indicated the exhibit is the first to take advantage of their new “Weeds to Wallets” economic partnership program. MCEDC spokeswoman, Wanda Overly, said she hopes the exhibit will become a regional attraction and a boost for the local economy. “We hope that people check it out, head to the gift shop, and then go grab lunch or dinner nearby.”

The program has teamed up with the chef at Seasons 52 across Rockville Pike in North Bethesda to incorporate several fresh invasive cuisine menu items; and Hank Dietles across Rockville Pike in Rockville to offer a special brew made with plants foraged from the site. In addition, during the summer months, classic movies will be projected on the side of the vacant Lord & Taylor building during the evening, starting with Little Shop of Horrors on June 20th.

Local naturalist, Lucy McDonalds, said she was impressed with the site’s variety of non-native offerings, “from Tree of Heaven and Norway maples, to Japanese Honeysuckle and Garlic Mustard, to Mile-A-Minute and Kudzu, this site has everything!” Local garden club member, Mary Wallflower, enthusiastically added “there are even a few native wildflowers, like daisy fleabane, on exhibit” but then specified, “until the aggressive non-natives push them out.”

During inventory of the site, botanists also discovered a new invasive plant species. They are currently debating which scientific name to assign it – Rockvilius Southis, Bethesdicus Northis, Flinticus Whitis, Bezonian Amazonenis, or Planty McPlantface – and have created a poll to generate excitement about the finding and to obtain public input on the name.

*The exhibit and gift shop will be open seven days a week from 9AM until sunset. Botanists will also lead weekly public tours of the exhibit. Additional special events will be announced soon. Visitors are prohibited from taking specimens to replant at home. Visitors are also encouraged to wear bug spray and check for ticks.*

By |June 9th, 2021|

Facebook introduces “Cicada Censor” to block indecent insect sex tapes

An explosion of indecent online posts showcasing gratuitous up-close photos of cicadas having sex has led to swift action by Facebook.  The social media giant announced today a new feature allowing users to block posts and comments that mention the word “cicada” from appearing in their news feed.  An advanced algorithm also detects photos and videos, blocking those as well.

The action was triggered by users fed up with the constant droning on about cicadas by friends, families, and neighbors they didn’t really know and had only interacted with once but accepted their friend request anyway. “I couldn’t take it anymore. Photo after photo of those beady bug eyes just staring at me,” newly minted North Bethesda resident Alan Winger brooded. “Like a suburban North Bethesda wife who found out her husband voted for Trump, apparently cicadas have mastered the art of not looking at their mate during sex.”

Child safety groups and parents alike noted the adult nature of these posts. One online advocate, Mrs. Grundy, exclaimed “indecent R-rated sex videos are wholly inappropriate for children.” She added, “I know butt stuff when I see it so don’t pee on me and tell me it’s raining,” immediately grossing everyone out who clicked on the link.

Nextdoor and Instagram were quick to follow up with their own “Bugout” blocking feature to be released within the next week or so. “It’s not just the controversy,” explained Nextdoor spokesperson Matt Prattler, “but the hundreds of identical posts per neighborhood were putting a strain on our servers and clogging up our feeds.”

Twitter pushed back on the idea of copying the move, stating “We’re a wide open platform and we make sure not to censor anyone in any way. No matter how loud and annoying they may sound.”

The new keyword filtering feature is expected to be expanded to include additional annoying conversations, blocking keywords such as “overhead helicopter” and “fox sighting.”

By |May 27th, 2021|
Bethesda Bonfire

We here at the Bethesda Bonfire quite clearly understand that if democracy dies in darkness, why not light it all on fire with the biggest bonfire this side of the DMV!

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