Friends of the Library applies for strip club license to skirt COVID closures
With public libraries still closed as seemingly everything else reopens in the County, library advocacy group Friends of the Library yesterday applied for Montgomery County’s first adult entertainment license. While historically it has been notoriously difficult to permit and open a strip club in Montgomery County, library manager Page Turner noted that “we’ve looked into all our options and this process will be far faster and easier than trying to convince the County to reopen all libraries.”
Montgomery County Public Libraries Head Librarian Belle was excited, “It’s extremely important that children are exposed to literature – there’s a great body of work out there that kids today just aren’t in touch with.” She added, “we set up a reservation website and ‘Hot for Teacher’ has been our number one request so far. I’ll have to see who the author is for that one.”
As of this morning, a line was already forming outside the proposed location in a city parking lot in Takoma Park currently being utilized by the Takoma Park-Silver Spring Co-op. Many in line had set up chairs and pitched a tent in anticipation of the opening. TPSS Co-op representatives were not as excited about the choice of location, insisting “we keep getting screwed.”
It was unclear why those waiting consisted mostly of men, but Belle was excited at the idea of anyone reading at all. County Councilmember Hans Riemer, a vocal proponent of reopening libraries, was first in line. “I’ve always pulled for both literacy and improving our nighttime economy.”
The Little Free Library has also been partnering with bars throughout the County to install their popular miniature libraries anywhere the County has allowed to open. The bartender at the Barking Dog noted, “Parents can finally go out and have a drink after being cooped up in the house with their kids for the past year. The kids can come along too and pick a book to cozy up in the reading corner we’ve set up by the dance floor.”
Following court ruling, Purple Line completion expected by next cicada cycle
Purple Line supporters cheered on today’s appeals court decision, striking down the third (and final?) lawsuit brought against the (popular?) mass transit project. The ruling noted that the Purple Line did not violate the Clean Water Act.
In reaction to the lawsuit’s conclusion, Purple Line officials optimistically announced that the project can continue at its current pace. Project Manager Mark Miwurd excitedly exclaimed, “We should definitely maybe have our trains up and running by the next Brood X cicada cycle.”
Assistant Project Manager James Smith noted “We’re giving ourselves plenty of time to find the right contractor.” The 17-year completion timeline was apparently also coordinated with the MDOT fiscal team to coincide with exhaustion of the Town of Chevy Chase’s budget surplus. Smith was overheard stating, “We are hoping their legal funds and patience will be gone by then.”
Frustrated residents, who have been living along the stalled construction route from Bethesda to New Carrollton, breathed a sigh of relief that they were finally provided a realistic completion date. “With the pandemic, 2038 is probably the soonest I will feel comfortable riding mass transit again anyway,” noted Bethesda resident John Weary.
At the University of Maryland College Park, which hosts several stops along the future Purple Line route, holes in the ground and cicada nymphs from the current emergence could be seen around the campus and on Instagram posts. Ben Evers, a professor in the UMD Department of Entomology, commented that “the cicada has the longest lifecycle of any insect, and by the time it is finished the Purple Line might have the longest construction cycle of any light rail project.”
In an internal email obtained by Bethesda Bonfire, Penelope Kidd, Assistant to the Assistant Project Manager, wrote to the team that there would be an “added benefit if the rail line debuted at the exact same time as the next peak 17-year swarm because adjacent residents won’t initially be able to hear the new trains over the cicada’s 100-decibel sex song.”
Purple Line opponents remained steadfast in their opposition, responding, “while the court ruled that the water (H2O) and shrimp (Stygobromus hayi) may not be negatively impacted, some people say there may be harm to future broods of cicadas (Magicicada). We may need to scientifically examine that in another lawsuit just to be completely sure.”
New Bethesda dog park relocated to lower level of parking garage 49
A hotly contested dog park proposal has taken center stage among the most important issues plaguing Montgomery County during the pandemic. In an attempt to avoid the controversy created by the initial proposed downtown Bethesda dog park location at Norwood Local Park, the County is now proposing to house the dog park using the bottom G4 level of garage 49, known as Metropolitan Garage. “We’ve heard the testimony and are readying our presentation for the under utilized lowest level of the garage, where no one can hear dogs barking and there are no kids walking in proximity to dogs,” exclaimed Parks Department Landscape Architect Candace Beover.
Neighbor Complaints and Concerns
• Noise from barking dogs
• Smell of dog waste
• Some of the open space in the park is unusable due to the terrain, and the dog park area is one of the areas that is usable
• Cost
• Replacing natural grass with artificial turf or other materials for the floor of the park
• The importance of preserving open space in an urban area
• Proximity to the toddler park
• Not enough parking space
SOURCE: Bethesda Beat article published on 5/7
The new “Park & Bark” plan was designed to address all of the issues brought up during public testimony for the original Norwood Local Park location. Ms. Beover explained, “The underground garage location perfectly isolates noisy barking dogs 50 feet underground and away from any residents. No further natural grass is lost since we’re simply dumping mulch on top of existing concrete. There’s already drainage for the dog waste and ventilation already built-in to the garage!” She laughingly added, “I’d have to doublecheck, but is that parking level labeled red or brown?”
Parents were relieved that their children wouldn’t be exposed to potentially diabolical dogs on the walk up to and within 50 feet proximity of the dog park as was in the previous Norwood plan. Concerns of limited parking were assuaged due to the simple fact that the parking garage already has plentiful parking spaces at no additional cost. The Maryland Tesla Owners club was excited at the prospect of visiting Bethesda Row after a doggy playdate while their dogs comfortably relaxed in “Dog Mode,” a feature exclusive to Tesla vehicles which bathes the dog in air conditioning while notifying others that the dog is safe and comfortable.
Beover proudly noted that “This is another example of the County turning lemons into lemonade. We’ve adapted the frequent flooding problem into a water feature for the dogs to enjoy. Plus it saves us on regular cleaning costs.”
Chevy Chase Terrace homeowner and burgeoning legal expert Ned I.M. Bradford the 150th noted the significant difference of local parks versus urban parks and the allowed use of the estimated $500,000 in funds earmarked specifically for urban improvement. “Now this is the definition of urban that makes perfect sense for a dog park.”
All 502 surveyed homeowners who opposed the Norwood Local Park plan rejoiced in the news that the new dog park would not literally be in their backyard 200′ away.
Montgomery Parks Changes Logo in Honor of 4/20
In solidarity with the 4/20 movement, Montgomery Parks has unveiled a new logo… at least for the day.
While smoking marijuana is illegal in county and state parks, Maryland in general allows for medicinal use of marijuana and efforts have been underway to legalize recreational use. Legislation in the Maryland General Assembly sponsored by Senator Brian Feldman (D-Montgomery County) didn’t advance this year, but lawmakers are hoping to pass it next year.
Reached for an interview via zoom, Montgomery Parks spokesperson Mary Jane Smith offered her blunt analysis as she put on a pot of tea to go with her brownies and described how she hashed out details of the dope rebranding effort. “It’s high time marijuana got its due. After the legislation failed to pass this year, it’s the least we could do for the cause.”
A representative from the Parks Foundation commented, “it’s no coincidence that the 4/20 holiday and Earth Day, a much beloved celebration for parks departments everywhere, fall in the same week.”
Not to be outdone by their Parks counterparts, the Planning Department immediately announced that 4.20% of a development application’s green roof requirement could be met by growing Cannabis plants.
*Again, smoking weed in public parks is illegal. Bethesda Bonfire supports responsible, legal use.*
County Council passes pet DNA registration and feces testing bill ZTA-K-9
In a bold effort to curb excessive dog poop left on sidewalks and front yards, the Montgomery County Council today passed bill ZTA-K-9 requiring pet owners to submit DNA samples for registration. This mandatory DNA database will create a registry of pets which can be easily compared against feces left unattended. Any uncollected feces will be sent to the county’s Canine Special Investigations lab in Poolesville, and if a match is found the owner will be sent a $75 ticket through the mail. Unpaid tickets will be flagged by the MVA and count towards administrative action, where a driver’s license or vehicle registration may be withheld.
With many residents adopting “pandemic puppies,” dog ownership in Montgomery County has doubled in the past year – and so have the complaints about poop.
The bill was the collective effort of frustrated homeowners tired of picking up after others. “Dozens of e-mails bombard [County Councilmember] Evan Glass’ office every week,” explained his legislative aide. Glass, the bill’s primary sponsor, explained, “As a fellow dog owner, I know that the current laws are all bark and no bite. We wanted to put forth legislation that would actually solve the problem – something with a little teeth.”
Comments about un-neighborly neighbors and their furry friends frequently spilled into online neighborhood groups such as Nextdoor and Facebook, with often contentious interactions. Messages ranged from civil discussion to fiery exchanges. “It’s in my yard, on the sidewalk, in the street, on the playground – dog poop is everywhere! I can’t step foot outside without stepping in it!” exclaimed Arlington Road resident Max Barker.
The issue of “right of way” comes up frequently, referring to the several feet of property adjacent to the street that is owned by the County but required to be maintained by the homeowner. “If it’s my duty to take care of this property, then I sure as heck have a right to complain about your dog taking a crap on it,” stated another commenter.
Despite numerous passive aggressive efforts to make peace, Bradley Hills resident Buddy Wagger felt like his message was falling on deaf ears – “I just don’t understand why my vague non-targeted general complaints about dog poop aren’t working. Why aren’t these dog owners changing their errant behavior?”
Glass explained that “[with this bill] dog owners will finally be held accountable for their actions. The threat of consequence is finally going to change behavior. Bad dog? More like bad owner!”
Delegate Marc Korman celebrates sine die by responding to 432 constituent e-mails in 24 minutes
It’s the day after sine die, those widely spoken and hash-tagged words of respite marking the end of the legislative session for the Maryland General Assembly, and Maryland District 16 Delegate Marc Korman is hardly content to sit on his laurels and relax. By 9am Tuesday morning he had already replied to a record 432 constituent e-mails, hitting the final SEND button just 24 minutes into his early morning e-mail routine.
Korman’s wife smiled, “the instant Marc receives an e-mail from a constituent his face lights up. To be honest it’s a little nerve wracking when we’re out grocery shopping and he gets a message and drops the bag of oranges, scattering them all over the floor and our son is running around fielding them like a shortstop for the Orioles at batting practice.” Korman laughed, “the D16 team probably wins a few more than the O’s, for what it’s worth.”
“The smaller or bigger the problem, the more excited he gets,” Korman’s legislative assistant added. Korman noted, “it can be hard to move the big needle, and just as hard to thread the small needle, but it’s nice when the needlepoint gets done.”
Local neighborhood policy expert Karen Walters shared with Bethesda Bonfire, “Marc’s two-page single-spaced response to my minor complaint about a transportation right of way issue came at the speed of light, within 30 seconds of my hitting send. He had already contacted SHA and MCDOT, and agency representatives said they would be on site in 15 minutes.”
Korman represents District 16 in Montgomery County, along with his colleagues. When he’s not busy legislating the crap out of a bill, he can often be seen with his son at Orioles games, begrudgingly at Nationals games, watching movies, reading books for fun, reading transportation legal volumes for fun, helping neighbors, taking dino safaris at National Harbor, enjoying scavenger hunts, and enjoying breakfast and breaks with his wife. Which begs the question – does this guy ever sleep?
We here at the Bethesda Bonfire quite clearly understand that if democracy dies in darkness, why not light it all on fire with the biggest bonfire this side of the DMV!