Bethesda Bonfire

The recent unveiling ceremony of a digital trail user counter for the increasingly crowded Capital Crescent Trail at Bethesda Avenue was met with much fanfare. However, local pundits and organizations expressed considerable skepticism about Maryland Governor Larry Hogan’s plan to also widen the trail from Bethesda to the DC line with toll lanes utilizing EZ Pass payment technology built into the digital counter.

The Hogan Administration said the plan was an effort to balance his 270/495 widening project, which only serves automobiles. At a press conference following the digital counter unveiling, Hogan proclaimed, “Maryland is committed to expanding multi-model transportation and widening both the Capital Beltway and the Capital Crescent Trail using our proven public-private partnership model and toll lanes.” He added, “this initiative brings one more benefit to Maryland state EZ Pass users, in a program that I alone planned, marketed, and pushed to success for my Maryland constituents, including Montgomery County residents, which someone reminded me are also my constituents.”

The Sierra Club immediately condemned the plan, bashing the so-called “Peloton Pass” that would allow well-to-do citizens a “fast trail lane” while regular residents would be stuck in the “slow trail lane.” The Coalition for the Capital Crescent Trail noted “the trail should be equally available to all, and we vigorously oppose such a proposal.” The state argued the opposite, saying these new managed lanes will “offer a less crowded trail experience for all.”

Maryland Department of Transportation spokesperson, Barry Wheeler, said toll charges would be set at $1 per pedestrian and $2 per bicycle, stroller, or scooter. Recumbent bicycles will cost $3. Public-private partnership operator HR Promotions indicated the contract allows for peak hour flexible pricing up to double the rate, plus a factor for inflation and cost of living adjustments each year.

Although often at odds with the Hogan administration, local officials present at the unveiling ceremony were not completely against the idea and offered mixed reactions.  County Councilmember Hans Riemer indicated “a sore need for innovative funding.” Planning Chair Casey Anderson noted, “Either way, the trail is a vital component of Montgomery County’s commitment to multi-modal transportation. We even included a photo of it in the draft Thrive 2050 Plan.”  Montgomery Parks director Mike Riley added, “we manage 37,000 acres and 421 parks. Money doesn’t just grow on trees next to our trails, so we’re always happy to explore funding options.”

Montgomery County Executive Marc Elrich seemed surprised at the announcement, indicating “it’s no surprise that the State chose to inform its biggest taxpayer of its plans via the press.”

“Perfect politician” County Councilmember Andrew Friedson who was also present for the trail counter unveiling smiled and noted, “There’s no perfect answer. There were more than 125,000 pedestrian and 25,000 cyclist trips here since January 1. At $1 per person, that goes a long way to pay for both the new trail lanes and what’s sure to be cost overruns to rebuild the rest of the trail to Silver Spring.”

In an effort to stem the flow of large crowds of visitors, the Kenwood Garden Club has announced they will begin charging admission fees starting on April 5th. Fees will be set to $10 per vehicle axle, $6 for bicycles, and $2 for pedestrian access.  Citing security and safety concerns, brand new gates will be installed at neighborhood entrances, including Dorset Avenue, Highland Drive, Brookside Drive, and Kennedy Drive. “With COVID safety in mind, we plan to offer contactless mobile phone NFC wireless payments. We also accept Venmo and Paypal, but not Zelle. We found that nobody really wants to use Zelle.”

A portion of the funds will be submitted to the Montgomery County Department of Transportation (MCDOT) who has pledged to match every dollar earned. MCDOT Director Christopher Conklin explained, “Dorset Avenue was never designed to be a thoroughfare. With these funds we can widen the street to handle capacity at a much higher speed and help get visitors quickly through their visit.”

A new contract has been signed with local food services vendor Ridgewells, and will bring high-end treats to the roadside for hungry visitors. The anticipated menu includes delightfully cherry-blossom themed fare such as cherry macarons and cherry pie. Ben & Jerry’s popular ice cream Cherry Garcia will be kept frozen in a solar powered ice cream truck. “We plan to employ neighborhood high school students in an entrepreneurship program to help shape the economic future of Montgomery County.”

Audio guides will be available for download at $12, narrated with Morgan Freeman-like gravitas by local Bethesda celebrity and once Supreme Court hopeful Merrick Garland. The recently appointed Attorney General “made time in [his] packed schedule because the cherry blossoms hold a special place in [his] heart.”

As part of an effort to attract major corporations, Montgomery County officials announced this afternoon that they have settled on “Northern Virginia East” as the new, rebranded name for the White Flint Metro station and surrounding area. Six Fortune 500 corporations immediately declared their intentions to open new headquarters in the vicinity.

The decision came one day after local officials and Friends of White Flint held a well-attended meeting with stakeholders. Other suggestions from the community ranged from North Bethesda (NoBe) to South Rockville (SoRo) to West Wheaton (WeWhe). Developers also briefly floated the idea of LiSci, as they hope the area will become a hub for the life sciences.

Some attendees were surprised to learn that the White Flint area was originally named after local rock outcroppings, not the now defunct mall site. A few participants felt the name White Flint should remain, but conceded that abbreviating it to WhiFli might be catchier.

But in the end, “Northern Virginia East” won out. Montgomery County officials are known to gaze longingly at the economic development occurring across the scenic Potomac River. County Executive Marc Elrich said he hopes this rebranding means they “won’t have to look any further for inspiration than across the 6 lanes of traffic on Rockville Pike.”

Councilmember Hans Riemer released a statement that instead of worrying about connecting Montgomery County to neighboring Northern Virginia through new road or transit projects, “this brings a little Virginia to the Pike, along with my already proposed tax breaks.”

Although the name exceeds the 19-character limit for WMATA station names, Montgomery County officials stated they are operating under their own eligibility requirements.

Though the change will cost over $1 million dollars to implement, Councilmember Andrew Friedson indicated “we wanted to be bold,” revealing a new tourism slogan for the area – “Northern Virginia East is for Lovers.” Friedson added the new slogan “will hopefully drive tourism dollars and help with the cost.”

Following the announcement, Friends of White Flint also posted that they would be changing their name to Friends of Northern Virginia East.

Tying together an ongoing trend of new and pending bird murals in downtown Bethesda, the Montgomery County Council voted unanimously to appoint the crane as Bethesda’s official mascot.  County councilmember Sidney Katz noted that it “wasn’t just a coincidence that the construction cranes dotting the skyline happened to share the same word as the tall wading birds from the family Gruidae.”

“We thought long and hard about rebranding from the maligned big red Bs,” said Bethesda Urban Partnership (BUP) director Jeff Burton.  “And it’s a way to bring nature in to the city,” added Planning Board Chair Casey Anderson.  He also noted, “we recognize that there may be more bird strike deaths from all of the shiny, beautiful and new tall glass buildings in downtown Bethesda, so we felt it fitting to honor our fallen avian friends in a deeply meaningful way.”

The decision was signed off by the Design Advisory Panel as a symbol of the heights to which downtown Bethesda can soar. A very important DAP member who preferred to remain anonymous noted that “it’s not just the literal heights of the new towers, but moreso our hopes and dreams for where Bethesda can economically carry Montgomery County into the future.” Additional design points will be granted for public art that includes statues or other artistic representations of birds. “It’s a perfect complement to the numerous art installations of trees crafted of metal to symbolize our commitment to nature and green spaces in the built environment.”

In furtherance of stated efforts to increase affordable housing in the County and promote transit oriented development, the Planning Board approved a 12-story condo building on Edgemoor Lane. The new building will feature a car elevator and a 90 foot tall mural of a parrot. The approval indicated that the mural counts as green space, noting “wildlife is commonly found in parks and green spaces, so we decided to let the side of the building count as park space.”

In addition, while reviewing the project, the Planning Board suggested the bird face the other direction. “We thought it would present much more of a statement if we flipped the bird towards Bethesda.”

We here at the Bethesda Bonfire quite clearly understand that if democracy dies in darkness, why not light it all on fire with the biggest bonfire this side of the DMV!

We obviously aren’t ready for launch, but April 1st seemed so important of a date so here we are.