In the festive spirit of the holidays, Marriott International announced their new downtown Bethesda headquarters would be “lit up like a Christmas tree” 24×7 and shine bright throughout the new year. Spokesperson Mickey Warner explained, “We were all so sad to hear the Mormon Temple wouldn’t be holding their traditional Festival of Lights Christmas celebration, so we thought we’d bring a bit of cheer to the people. Our Signature Tree isn’t quite up to snuff but we’ll shine our lights bright for all to bathe in the festive holiday spirits!”

“I’m so excited!” exclaimed a man who lived nearby but wouldn’t provide his name. “I didn’t have time to get a Christmas tree this year and the kids have been so pissed. But now I just tell them to look out the window for a tree bigger than the dinky traditional little feller at Rockefeller Center!”

Neighboring residents concerned about a repeat of the blue Chase Bank lights that bathed the entire surrounding area in bright blue lights were comforted by Warner. “Oh don’t worry, we would never be so gauche as to blast blue lights into our neighbor’s windows. Our red, white, blue, and green are a much more subtly refined Christmas cheerful color palette. And what kind of bahumbug doesn’t just adore Christmas?!”

When asked about the expense in a time of need and crisis, Warner explained, “We’re still banking on that county and state money, so that’ll keep the electric bills paid for quite some time. Especially since we probably won’t hit our promised employee numbers post-Covid. It’s a win/win cost savings situation for us and what little joy for nearby Bethesda residents.” She quickly corrected herself to say, “what a joy for nearby Bethesda residents, I mean, of course.”


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